Luck. The good, the bad, the ugly…

Tests have always been my least favorite thing. I got really lucky with my degree(s) being essay based and having minimal tests. I have never been a good test taker for as long as I can remember. 

Recently, Kaden and I have had test after test after test. The thing about the tests that we have been given…we don’t know if we are passing them or not. It feels like a thousand years ago, when tests were done on paper and you had to wait on your teacher to grade it and to pass it back before you even found out what you made. Except, with these tests we just keep waiting. 

Life is rocky. I have learned through many trials and tribulations in my life that you never get dealt the best hand, there is ALWAYS a better hand being dealt elsewhere. (That’s why gambling isn’t always fun) With that being said, just because you aren’t being dealt the best hand, doesn’t mean you can’t make the best out of it. 

I have always been one that can ‘look to the bright side’ or ‘hope for the best’. However, after the last year of trial after trial after trial and test after test after test, I have given up. I have given up on the, ‘God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors’ and the ‘God is just preparing you for something big coming’. I have learned that it is SO easy to tell that to people, when you aren’t going through the things they are. It is so easy to tell someone ‘better luck next time’ when you have the good hand dealt! 

I am tired. I am tired of being the one that needs the ‘better luck’ or that is the ‘strongest warrior’. It is not an easy task nor an easy weight to bear. Life is exhausting and hard. I have been mad at the economy (like everyone else), mad at coworkers or supervisors, mad at God, and mad at myself. 

In being mad at God I realized that it is okay to be mad at Him, he can take it. However, being mad at Him doesn’t mean shutting him out. Because these things would be 10x harder without Him. Coming to that realization was not an easy thing. It takes dedication and pain. 

Ultimately, despite waiting on the outcomes of all these tests, I am glad that my God trusts me to carry these things.